I swear, Officer, it’s fictional!

How do you research murder, mayhem, and malicious, malignant manipulation without being put on one or many governmental watch lists? 

Is there some sort of author website that has a compilation of murderous methods, torturous techniques, and poisonous plots?

Imagine such a repository. You must sign in by saying aloud, with your hand on a copy of the MLA Handbook or Moby Dick, “I solemnly swear, I am up to no good.” If you need to know how to kill a character and make it look like poison, cancer, heart failure, clumsiness–click here. If you’d like to know the proper rope to use if you must hang a villain, click here. The right gun, sword, morning-star, or lightsaber to commit your specific brand of murder? Look in the archives under: weaponry.

“But really, Officer, I’m googling chloroform for a story…that search about body decomposition? Different story, sir, but still a work of fiction!

Just because I theoretically know how to get away with murder doesn’t mean…right to remain silent? You know, sir, I am a writer? We write to resist silence. No, no, I’m not making fun of you.

No, I haven’t been drinking! Who do you think I am, Hemingway? No! He’s not an accomplice…well, he was a great man and I admire his work but…I’d like that phone call, now.”

But really, I’m writing a story with all sorts of nasty bits and pieces and I need to do some research. If I disappear for a while, send money for the lawyer fees. 


10 thoughts on “I swear, Officer, it’s fictional!

  1. You raise a very interesting question, now I am checking what I have researched lately for writing purposes and oh, boy…
    If you dissapear, i’ll stick a saw inside a cake and come bail you out myself 🙂

  2. HAHA! I love this. Because I totally think the same way. Every time I go to do this type of…violent research, I think, “I’m totally going to have Homeland Security knocking on my door.” Thanks for the laugh 🙂

    • Glad I could make you laugh! I always worry about googling certain combinations of words—especially the way my mind jumps from topic to topic. And the internet is a black hole!

  3. Sounds like a good story in the works! I’ve wondered the same thing about being on some kind of animal rights or environmental terrorism watch list for the animal cruelty research I’ve done.

    • Who knows! Although, hopefully they’re tracking down real terrorists. I had to write a paper once on an extremist group and was terrified that I was accidentally going to go to some sketchy site FOR terrorists. Still not in jail, though, so I think I’m safe!

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